


What's the deal now, baby?

by thekeyholder



Category: Muse
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crack, Innuendo, M/M, What Was I Thinking?, diva!Dom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2205861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekeyholder/pseuds/thekeyholder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt is a fruit vendor. One day he has to deal with a particularly choosey customer who gets out a rise of him, but the blonde still attracts him enormously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's the deal now, baby?

**Author's Note:**

> Back to unearthing old, embarrassing fics. However, this one made me lol when I re-read it before posting it on here.
> 
> The title is a lyric from a song called [_Uzbek Brothel_ by Viza](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asvf_pwbUNI), I thought its craziness goes well with the story.
> 
> This fic was posted in December 2010 on my LJ.

In the blink of an eye, one could tell that he did not belong. He was too posh for a vegetable market with his trendy graphic t-shirt and tight black jeans; he looked exactly like a model that had stepped out from the pages of a fashion catalogue. Shiny Aviators hid the eyes of the owner who was turning his head from left to right, a slight sign of boredom tinting his handsome features. He leisurely arranged his blonde locks whenever the cheeky spring breeze dared to ruffle through them.

Although the vendors were all kindly addressing him, encouraging him to try and buy their excellent goods, he ignored them, parading along with a squeamish expression on his face. The fruits and vegetables all sweltered in the wake of his dazzling appearance…

The news about the stuck-up blonde spread like wildfire among the curious and gossipy peasants, their animated chatter filling the warm afternoon air. The two young men who were selling at the end of the aisle heard about the choosy customer before they saw him. The tall and well-built guy stood on his toes and craned his neck, hoping he would glimpse the subject of the hottest rumours.

“For God’s sake, Chris, stop acting like a hag! I swear, you’re worse than Aunt Patty!” his friend added with annoyance.

“Shush, I’m just surveying the area, Matt! Besides, I’m quite bored, not many people want to buy from me,” Chris answered back without averting his eyes from the direction he supposed the blonde would come from.

“You know, I think you might have scared them away with your awful stubble,” Matt scoffed, though he looked at Chris with a huge grin on his face. 

Chris punched his friend’s arm, yet he checked if his chin was prickly and winced when his fingers cried out with pain. He looked up shamefacedly and almost had a heart attack when he saw a blond guy come into view.

“Matt, Matt! Look, it’s _him_ ,” Chris whispered, his eyes widening.

As most villagers do when they meet an important person, the startled young man tucked his shirt into his pants, squared his shoulders and smoothed his hair quickly. Matt watched him with an amused expression on his face and thought about asking Chris if he needed a mirror, but didn’t want to mock him any more. Instead, he took a cloth and started rubbing an apple to make it shiny like gold. He snickered to himself when he heard the lament of his fellow stall-holders and only looked up at the guy when heard his approaching footsteps.

In that moment, Matt forgot about everything. He even dropped the apple, but was grateful for it; he pretended to search for the lurking fruit while he tried to calm the pace of his boisterous heartbeat and breathing which were faster than a Vivaldi piece. _Fuck, he’s gorgeous. I hope he goes away soon or else I’ll jump on him and…_

“Would you like some potatoes, Sir?” Chris asked coaxingly.

“No…” the blonde answered and Matt’s mind flooded with thoughts like: _Holy shit, he’s voice is so sexy!_ but then… 

“I’m on a diet, I’m not allowed to eat potatoes,” continued the customer in an officious manner.

Matt pulled a face… a whole world crushed inside him, how would he survive it? As a villager, he was taught from an early age that one should eat adequately and not care about diets which were for snooty townsfolk. This was quite ironic since Matt was often called a “skeleton”, therefore his mother or Mrs. Wolstenwholme, Chris’ mother, enjoyed stuffing him with tasty dishes and desserts (which he didn’t want to refuse either). Yet he was still too skinny, but on the good way of putting some meat on the muscles he developed due to the hard work at his parents’ farm.

He would have meditated _ad infinitum_ under the table with the apple in his hand (like  Newton did almost five hundred years ago) when he heard the blonde’s next question: 

“Are you the seller of the fruits or…?”

“NO!” Matt shouted as he jumped up and dusted off his trousers, “No, that would be me,” he continued at a more normal volume as the blonde eyed him curiously. “What can I do for you?”

The young man put the Aviators on his head and his eyes wandered over the goods. He looked at Matt and asked suspiciously:

“Are the fruits organic?”

However, Matt was on another planet; he had been hyperventilating since he met the blonde’s stare. _Oh my god, those eyes are green, but with a slight blue and grey blending in them too, and I’ve never seen such colour, oh good god… wait, what did he say?_

“Hello, Earth to fruit seller! I asked if these are organic?” the pretentious client unabashedly interrupted his train of thought. 

“Of course, everything was grown in my own orchard, except the tropical fruits.” He pointed to bananas, lemons, oranges and pineapples. He even smiled like the people in toothpaste advertisements, a bit sharp and stiltedly.

The diva (as Matt called him in his mind) took an apple in his hand and scrutinized it seriously while wrinkling his nose: “Hmm, dunno… it looks like you have treated it with chemicals.”

If there was one thing that made Matt’s blood boil, it was making fun of his fruits, and he felt the urge to defend their honour:

“They are one hundred percent natural, not like you, you … “ he was searching for a scornful nickname and screamed it in the blonde’s shocked face: “PLASTIC SISSY!”

Grey eyes widened with horror but Matt only saw red. The blonde turned up his nose, put on his Aviators and scuttled away. _Prick! What a pity, he was kind of cute when he said “fwuits”…_

Chris was flabbergasted at the huge amount of anger in Matthew’s blue eyes, but he also noticed a twinkle of mischief in them.

Without thinking, Matt grabbed the orange which was bored to death on the table and slung it in the “sissy’s” direction. The innocent fruit smacked against the shapely blonde head and the young man lurched a few meters. He showed his middle finger to Matt while everybody around was laughing their heads off. _Fucking great, I was publicly humiliated on my first day in this shitty town! What was in my head when I decided to move here?! Must run away as fast as possible…_

Chris was almost rolling on the floor laughing, tears flowing down onto his flushed cheeks. Meanwhile, people were congratulating Matt for teaching the “snooty gayboy” a lesson, though he was not very proud of his stunt, especially that he was secretly a homosexual as well. He soon became as cross as a bear and Chris knew him well enough to leave him alone, until the dark cloud of moodiness would dissipate around his head.

Matt took a book out of his bag and started reading after he shut out the disturbing noise of the market; however, he felt Chris’ eyes on him from time to time. Luckily, he didn’t have to endure the annoying stare anymore because his friend’s oldest daughter, Ava Jo, ran to them and shrieked in her high-pitched voice:

“Daddy, Daddy, come! Hurry up, Mummy needs your help, the new merchandise’s just arrived and somebody has to carry it into the store.”

Chris sighed even though he was actually glad to move his old bones, and asked Matt to serve the potential clients that might want to buy his potatoes. The brunet agreed and resumed his intellectual activity, although instead of imagining the green aliens he was reading about, he fantasized about running after the hot blonde and crashing their lips together… He thought about going and finding the young man, giving him a pineapple as a recompense, or offering to eat the pineapple off of him… _Jesus, Matt, stop perving about a stranger!_

__

__ He reached out a hand and grabbed a banana to gag the hunger-monsters in his stomach.

_ Matt… _

_ Haha, stupid mind, now you’re giving me hallucinations as well?! That couldn’t be the real blonde, he… _

“Matt, I’m sorry.”

_ Holy shit, he’s real. _

“How do you know my name?!” was the vendor’s first question, his face frozen with shock when the blonde prince of his pleasant daydreams was standing in front of him.

“Heard your friend calling you,” the young man replied, the Aviators back on his nose. He looked to his right and continued speaking sheepishly: “I’ve heard that you’re the only man selling tropical fruits in this little town and I really need some passion fruit today. Can you help me?” He took off his sunglasses, his puppy eyes boring into Matthew’s.

Matt was a bit surprised and asked jokingly: “Do you need it for your beauty mask?”

The blonde’s eyes lit up and he was nodding approvingly. While trying not to laugh at the obvious gayness of his customer, Matt explained that he kept most of the exotic fruits in a small depository that was a three-minute walk from the market. He asked his neighbour on the left to watch over his and Chris’ stuff until he returned.

He gestured to the blond to follow him, who happily obliged as he watched the little ass wiggling in front of him. _Like a perfect apple, I’d so bite in it…_

“Uhm hey, can you tell me your name? I feel stupid that you know mine and I don’t yours,” Matt asked shyly, concentrating on the pavement while they slowly walked to the depository.

“Oh, yeah, sure! Sorry, I’m so lightheaded,” _around you_ told the blonde to himself, “it’s Dominic. Dom.”

Matt was swimming in the beauty of Dom’s smile; there were so many butterflies in his stomach that he thought he’d start floating in the air. He wished he could lengthen their meeting now that he was already opening the door of the depository.

“It’s a bit dark in here,” Matt announced as they entered the small building.

“The passion fruit is here in a box, in the left corner,” the brunet muttered a bit alarmed by the blonde’s silence. 

Matt walked to the indicated place and he suddenly felt two hands pressing him to the wall by his shoulders, the air in his lungs disappearing in a moment. _Oh my god, I’m going to die in the depository between fruits and nobody will find me. I’ll become a mummy till Chris discovers my disappearance. Where did this criminal come in, oh my god, I should scream and warn Dom, he has to fetch some help. Why me, why me, maybe if I close my eyes it’ll disappear._

Instead of the cold steel of a knife being stabbed in his throat, Matt felt the two hands stroking his shoulders and arms tenderly, and soft lips covering his own. Matt responded immediately, opening his right eye to make sure that he was living his dream, kissing Dom and not just a random burglar.

_ Well, death wasn’t painful at all and Heaven is just wonderful. _

Dom moaned after breaking the kiss: “Oh, Matt… your luscious lips taste like bananas. Are you always this fruity?” He licked his lips and enjoyed the feeling of Matt’s fingers tentatively caressing his cheeks and neck.

“Just for you, baby.” Matt cupped Dom’s face and continued their snogging, a whimper of pleasure leaving his mouth when the blonde put his hand on Matt’s left thigh, lifted it and flushed their bodies even closer. They could hear each other’s dangerously fast heartbeats and feel something else down there.

“Are you carrying a banana with you, Dom? Or just enjoying yourself?” Matt whispered cheekily in Dom’s ear, grinning from the dizzy feeling in his head. _When did I become such a perv?!_

The blonde pinned him to the wall, rubbing his groin to Matt’s, groaning while nudging his face against Matt’s stubbly chin and fired back: “Mmmh, impish boy, I like it! Maybe, but I could ask you the same. Though, thinking about it, my banana is extra large, you won’t get it for free,” Dom chortled slyly.

“What do I have to do for your big banana?” Matt asked hungrily, fighting the urge to jump on the blonde.

A small business card was tucked in the brunet’s pocket with Dom looking into Matt’s lustful blue eyes while saying: “My place at seven. I’ll be waiting for you,” and he pressed a last, promising kiss on Matt’s lips, walking away fully aware of Matt’s stare on his bum.

“Dom, shall I bring something?”

The blonde turned and replied with false innocence: “Well, I have champagne at home, so maybe you could get some strawberries?” Both boys inhaled sharply and Dom continued: “Yes, delicious. Can’t wait until tonight, sweets!”

After five minutes, Matt finally comprehend what had just happened to him. He pulled out the card, read it hundred of times and bounced like a five-year old.

After all, _life is just a bowl of cherries_.  Seven o’clock couldn’t come fast enough.


End file.
